A post I should've written long ago

Back in early November, I went rock-climbing for the first time. New Paltz is world renowned for the Shawangunk mountain range, which can be see from almost everywhere in town. Despite this, only now, months before I am leaving the area is of course the first time I take advantage of what this area offers.

I've sky-dived and loved it, so I figured what could be difficult about climbing some rocks? Well, it turns out, lots. My friend Jesse, led my first climb. I met him early in the morning to drive up the mountain. We parked and he and his friends sorted through the brightly colored tools that allow you to safely climb mountains. Climbers call it gear. I have never before climbed any sort of wall, as a kid I climbed trees often but that was a long time ago.

After they sort out their racks, we walk along the side of the mountain and suddenly Jesse stops and says "This is us."

I look up and wonder what I've gotten myself into. I have easily two hundred feet between me and my goal, the crest of the mountain. You would think I could remember what the name of the route is called, but I can't. I can remember the climb I failed to finish, Ursula, and the climb where I dropped a cam off the cliff next to the dangler, called Three Pines, but I think I had more important things on my mind during this one and somehow it's name slips my memory.

Jesse climbs up first, moving naturally and lithely on the rock, making it appear easy and relaxing. Before I know it, I'm on belay and able to start climbing. The first pitch is easy enough, I'm climbing and doing my best not to think about anything else. The really elegant aspect of climbing is that your mind becomes very focused on doing, and everything else fades away. Somewhere on my second pitch I think I got off path, and was in a position where I had to jump to grab my next handhold. Immediately, I became terrified. I start to think what the hell am I doing up here, what if I fall? What then? Will the rope hold? My leg starts shaking up and down uncontrollably. I look off to the side of the rock along the cliff face and catch sight of a leaf falling perfectly to the ground. It is a beautiful day, and from this height I can see all of New Paltz, the leaves are just starting to change, and I start to calm down a bit. I try the move, half-heartedly, not really believing I can pull it. I can't, I start shaking again and wait. I'm stuck in my head, all I can think is I can't do this. I start telling myself over and over again that I can do it. I keep telling Jesse that I'm going to climb soon. I don't. I spend probably twenty minutes, each of which felt like an hour psyching myself out of climbing. Finally, I say I'm climbing and before I realize what I'm doing I've made the two inch jump necessary for my hand to reach the next hold. I pull it and climb up to the landing where Jesse's waiting. He says we have another hundred feet to go.

My spirits sink. I think it's cold. That's too far. I can't do it. Maybe I should give up. He starts climbing and soon I hear him telling me to climb, and I start. At first I am uncomfortable and a bit scared, but I am happy to move. Sitting there made me feel very cold and the wind was cutting right through me. The last pitch is awesome. There's holds everywhere and I feel like an action hero. There are a couple moments where I nearly fall, I start to slip but keep moving and before I realize it I'm within feet of the top. I'm panting and decide to rest a minute before finishing the climb.

After a couple moments I climb up and its over. It was a huge challenge for me, and a great opportunity to learn to control my thoughts and be in the moment. I'm only sad that I will be leaving New Paltz without having climbed all the classic routes it has to offer. I will be back to visit and climb some more, that is for sure.

Chess and being soft

I've recently gotten into chess. I am improving but am definitely not amazing in any shape or form. I am really impressed with how good many people are on the internet, and I think almost all of my real-life friends beat me often. I don't really like playing my friends, it is almost a lose-lose, even if I win it means that someone is unhappy that they have lost.

I'm using a variety of materials to improve my game, a couple Irving Chernev books, and a Fred Reinfield book on checkmate. I initially started pursuing chess because I felt that I wasn't really exercising myself mentally. Sometimes I catch myself solving chess problems in my head. I also have chessmaster and have gone through the Larry Waitzkin tutorials. Larry Waitzkin is the real life kid from Searching for Bobby Fischer. He really is great about teaching and I love his attitude about the game. He quit competitive chess, things apparently got really crazy for him after the movie came out. He was seventeen and there were girls showing up at chess games having him sign their legs and all sorts of stuff. After a bit, he ended up getting really into buddhism, and came to pursue Tai Chi.

He speaks in a very kind manner, and is by all accounts a very sweet person. Although chess was intended to improve my mental sharpness it has become something that allows me to see my own faults more clearly. I often do not respect my opponents position, sometimes even disregarding moves, playing from a place of contempt and often playing far too impatiently, launching attacks far too soon instead of making quiet moves. Some days I will play and lose over and over, or win and either feel very good or somewhat bad about myself, which is a shame. It is just a game, a beautiful, artful, great game but the ego loves pushing itself into things.

What I have begun to consider is whether the softness and kindness I had as a very sensitive child is attainable today. There is a place for aggression and all of that, but I remember being the kindest sweetest child in the world. I still save animals all the time, and refuse to kill almost all insects - certain times I make exceptions but even then I feel guilty. As a kid I went through some things that definitely made me harder and I know that this tough bullshit isn't me, and is really empty cowardice. I do like teasing and being playful with people but nothing more than that, I am sad to see myself hurting people's feelings or thinking I am better than anyone else. It's all dust in the end, and I really seek to attain a place of compassion. I am not sure exactly how to do so, but I would like someday to be spiritually in a place closer to my youth than the often sarcastic and cruel person I can be today.

Once again Tip!

"Skydiving isn't an extreme sport, it's aviation." That was the first thing Utah said to me after we were introduced. This was my second skydive ever, and second this year. The first jump was awesome. Utah's whole attitude was that you're just learning to fly your body instead of a plane. He emphasized not JUMPING out of the plane but stepping out of it. I've gotta say that I was much less nervous this time, it also helped that no one I went with was calling their family to warn them that they might day. This time was also A LOT faster. Where we jumped has expanded and added a hangar, every instructor is super friendly and it is clear that they LOVE what they are doing.

The whole experience really has me reconsidering my current approach to work: suck it up and grab the cash. Anyways, we showed up at 10 o clock and signed a stack of release forms, basically saying we were willing to die jumping out of a plane 2 miles above the ground. Then we suited up, met our instructors and jumped on the plane by eleven. It was a really hot day, at least 90, but as our altitude increased we escaped the heat and humidity. You could even see where the humidity ended, delineated by a small blue streak under the clouds. Last time we went, I jumped first, this allowed me extra time to play with the parachute and drop into some fun spins, but my free fall was a bit shorter than others and my adrenaline was out of control. For whatever reason I kneeled on the edge, and we basically toppled over into free fall for my first jump. I hardly remember it, but the feeling of surrender was amazing. It really is just too much input for your body to process, and after jumping all resistance goes out of your body, you arch your back and fly. After a minute you pull the chord and your chute snaps back, spreads wide and slows you descent.

This time, for my second jump I was told to leave a bit of tension in my legs, just to hold myself up, but otherwise to be like a ragdoll. I just went limp, so there was no fight, and Utah jumped. He told me to watch the airplane as we exited. The first jump all I saw was the earth approaching us, but it wasn't a very good frame of reference. After jumping, I was impressed by how quickly the plane disappeared from view, and totally immersed in the experience. I forgot to arch, but Utah had said that the whole arching thing doesn't matter, this is about staying loose and enjoying the experience, not cutting yourself off from it with anxiety. He reminded me, then we did some arm turns and leg turns. He had me check the altimeter, we played a bit more then pulled the chute. Being the last person out of the plane sucks as far as parachuting goes. You have a lot more land to cover, so you can't spin et cetera, instead he explained to me how chutes worked and we watched one of the instructors pull some stunts. Under the canopy it is super peaceful. If you flare in mid-air everything becomes silent, the wind slows down and you hear absolutely nothing. We flew for a bit longer, then touched down. He had my lean back as we landed and my feet didn't even touch the ground. Shit was cake just like last time. Coming down was wonderful, but the rest of the day wasn't very exciting, anything we did seemed insubstantial and unimportant, all we could think about was how to get back up into the air.

Go fucking skydive!

Free running and Parkour

A couple nights ago my friend linked me to this insane Japanese game show called Ninja Warrior. It consists of a contestant running through obstacle courses of increasing difficulty. The feats of skill and strength displayed are really inspiring, there is just such a great deal of grace involved in these movements. Somehow this led me back to look over some parkour/freerunning clips, District 13 and the beginning of Casino Royale. I then watched Jump London which features Sebastien Foucan and two other free runners running through London. In this documentary Foucan describes free running as an act of freedom, one where all these constructions are meant to limit movement and control people's actions but within free running you take these obstacles and turn them into playthings and thereby completely change their purpose. Aside from being beautiful and courageous, these acts speak to me on a different level, I want to view these obstacles in my path not in a serious fashion but in a subversive one, how can I take this and draw enjoyment from it? Is this rail really meant to keep me in line or is it just a more exciting way of getting from point a to b.

There is a really playful childlike aspect to this sport. Which is something we need to maintain in all aspects of our life for success. So how does this all relate to things other than running around injuring your knees, ankles, and fingers? Foucan says free running is a way of life, a way of escaping from all these controls and defying them. In my life I am only attracted to things so much as they enable me to become free. Free from need, free from thought, free from doubt, free from fear, and this art ties directly into that desire. I am interested in exercise because it frees me from my thoughts and imaginary reality, it grounds me. I am interested in social interactions because they allow me to see the beliefs that still chain me into certain accepted ways of expression. I am interested in certain spiritual teachings because they enable me to see the ways in which my ego traps me. I desire to live a life of complete freedom, not freedom from consequences but freedom from restriction, containment, and limitation.

If everyone were an artist

In Paris I wonder how anyone goes to work so nonchalantly, how the people cannot marvel in the beauty of their city, and why they are not all artists. I traveled to Paris and stayed for only six days. It has been called a city of the eye, everywhere I go I see beauty. The pastel colors of the buildings along the Seine draw my eyes up to the sky which is pale gray and filled with clouds. I watch the clouds momentarily, as I sit on the tip of Pont-Neuf relaxing. I watch as the Seine rolls towards me and snap a couple photos. I find it impossible that anything gets done in this city. I imagine everyone here constantly calling-in to work and sitting along the Seine, sketching the beautiful sometimes bare-breasted women as they sit and take in the sun. I think about what would happen to the world if everyone was an artist. The President would show up an hour late to his meeting with the leader of Iran because of a sudden inspiration the night before, which kept him awake until 8 in the morning frantically sketching strange vibrant pictures of a world on-fire, and then slept his traditional 8 hours since all great artists need their rest and arrived when he got there, as brilliant artists do. Instead of arguing over world domination, and neo-imperialism government leaders would fight over possession of art-works. France would be assaulted by diplomats seeking to regain their nations prized pieces, the Louvre would become the victim of terrorist attacks. Fundamentalists would not pursue Islam but instead classicism and deface all non-classical works, with the exception of only the best neoclassical works. Most of the bombs planted by the neoclassical fundamentalists would not explode, apparently the bomb-maker was more interested in a pleasing aesthetic, and could not bear the restrictions of traditional chemistry. This would all be for the best since the bomb was intended to be flushed down a toilet, but the toilet was out of order and the plumber was photographing it, focused on capturing this powerful image of bassesse, the toilet overflowing with shit, the plumber adjusting his shutter-speed and the lighting in order to fully capture the awfulness of the scene instead of repairing the toilet. Had the bomb exploded the terrorist would have been picked up by an ambulance which would arrive somewhat late, due to the driver taking the most scenic route and when he arrived the surgeons would first do a couple preliminary sketches of what the surgery would look like just to get a good handle on the line and to make sure the surgery was somewhat aesthetically pleasing or even better, had an allegorical or perhaps biographic aspect to it. Perhaps the terrorist had blown open the left side of his belly, in this sort of case a surgeon could take two entirely different routes. He could pursue either an asymmetric approach or a symmetrical one. In the first case the surgeon would repair the patient's internal organs as best he could but when sewing him up he would make sure to draw attention to his work, possibly signing his name in the skin of the patient in order to leave no doubt to the provenance of the piece, the second possibility would be similar aside from the fact that the artist would needlessly stitch up the right side of the terrorist's belly as well, and then work from there perhaps pursuing further unnecessary surgery within the space between the two stitchings. The stitchings themselves might have a great degree of patternization, or perhaps call attention to various idiosyncracies of the patient's body. After surgery, the patient would rest in the hospital. He would be fed meals and taken care of. Depending on the cook, the food might be very uneven but at times spectacular, as is the case in the oeuvres of many of the great artists, or perhaps a bit more cautious at times reaching a pinnacle and then slowly ascending again to another peak. Sometimes breakfast would be standard-fare just so the cook could ensure he still had the basics down, but other times the cook would restrict himself to preparing a meal made solely of carrots, he would display a great appreciation for the nuances between one carrot and another, seeking to show a wide variety of carrots and emphasizing their own uniqueness. Some meals would seem to have a particular theme, such as if the patient were to be fed a meal of grapes, pomegranates, and snake served in a bowl with trees, and a naked man and woman engraved into it. Other meals would seem to have absolutely no method to them, and be barely edible, blackberries, potatoes, salmon, and syrup might be described by the chef as a meal created to illustrate the chaotic nature of life and challenge the viewer, or eater's preconceived notions of what a meal was. Aside from the food, the terrorist was somewhat uncomfortable with being sketched at all times by the nursing staff. He would step out of the shower and be told to hold that pose, or take a step back into the sun-light. The trial would go on almost indefinitely with the lawyers interested more in creating moving speeches of infinite length, rattling on and on about the human condition, their heartaches, the battle raging within even the most banal and acceptable citizens, stopping at nothing creating arguments of poetic worth with little attention to logic which would be dismissed as a modernist approach to argumentation which has been completely outdated. Needlessly arguing logically would be a sure-fire way to turn the jury against their client, the jury was not there to determine right or wrong but whether the law was in fact interfering with the development and expression of a nascent artist. Only the bare minimum of law would be upheld, no rape, no murder, well except in certain cases, but public nudity would be encouraged, obesity would be popular only in baroque areas, many facets of life would become greatly complicated. Setting an appointment with your dentist could quickly become impossible: “Hello, Doctor, I'd like to come in for a cleaning on Tuesday if you have any openings.”
“Sorry, I can't just force myself to work, I need inspiration.” “My teeth hurt!” “I work on my own terms sir, I am not a simpleton, my work is my life!” Eventually, your dentist might bust through your door perhaps at 2 am as his muse struck him and moved him to finally clean your teeth. The tooth cleaning would go quite well, but perhaps he becomes inspired by your left bicuspit and decides to curve it into your mouth or outwards, arguing that the tooth has become symbolic of the struggle for individuality in a highly commodified culture. Your dental records or any other medical records would include bizarre anecdotes concerning your injuries or allergies, “Don is allergic to amoxicillin and patronizing women, not to mention he has a general distaste for authority and leans toward anarchy. This could stem from an overbearing mother and a father who was a dolt and preferred Matisse to Picasso to give an idea of how out of touch he was...Don has actually never been an alcoholic but having become a writer we felt it would only be appropriate if he followed in the great footsteps of Faulkner and Hemingway, if not in reality then at least in our report.”
“Jeremy's fifth heart bypass surgery is really no surprise to me as a surgeon or as a human being. His heart is backed up completely, he expresses hardly anything in his sterile modern work, and his relationship with his children is completely stilted. While they are here to check on them, there really appears to be little true concern, simply an ersatz of compassion.” This is of course because neither of Jeremy's children, Marvin or Melanie felt they could adequately express their feelings to complete strangers so they thought best to exaggerate and do their best imitation of B rate stage actors, their performance piece mimics the way in which the media creates a spectacle out of death and removes compassion from it. Unfortunately, everyone is wrapped up with their own creations and can barely notice their inventive performance, perhaps there would be a huge shortage of audience for all these would be Mollieres and Degas. Eventually art would reach a point where it was so confrontational that even the apathetic, or self-interested artists would have to react to it. Construction workers would drop wrecking balls from 40 stories high as commentary on the daunting nature of mortality and seemingly random acts of fate.

It's been awhile since I left you with a new beat to step to

Well, I turned 24, went through a bizarre breakup with the girl I was seeing and seem to generally be back on track. Sometimes I'm lonely but whatever. In the past couple weeks I have finished reading Running with Scissors, The Power of Now,The Life of Pi, and something I can't remember. Running with Scissors was interesting simply because of the total madness of Augusten's life growing up. He went from a really abusive parental situation, to a totally insane house run by his mother's psychologist. There's a ton of controversy surrounding the story but who knows or cares whether it is true. There's a good amount of dead-pan description which contrasts nicely with the action in the narrative.
The Power of Nowis really phenomenal. Essentially, Eckhart Tolle argues that the reason that people feel pain is because they identify with their egos and operate on psychological time instead of living in the now. He says that the ego is woefully inadequate for our continued survival on this planet because it constantly needs MORE to survive and is constantly threatened by any change or challenge. Deep down Tolle says that everyone is complete, and this belief is something I've drawn out of Tantra , that deep down we are perfect gods. It is all the shit on top of it, all the mind games about how we should be or how things ought to be, or hanging onto situations mentally long after they have passed. The ego draws its identity from the past, so people hang onto their problems or their traumas as a way of being them. Tolle asks that we drop that bullshit and see that really if anything we wind up being more of ourselves than we were before, by being in the moment and completely accepting what is, we open ourselves up to a deep joy that every creature naturally experiences.

A great cross-pollination of messianic teachings as well as some Jungian psychology helped create this book, and my favorite quote is this: "Carl Jung tells in one of his books of a conversation he had with a Native American chief who pointed out to him that in his perception most white people have tense faces, staring eyes, and a cruel demeanor. He said: "They are always seeking something. What are they seeking? The whites always want something. They are always uneasy and restless. We don't know what they want. We think they are mad."

It really nails in the importance of accepting NOW and being present NOW because really this is the only time. Tomorrow when you wake up will be the now, today right now is the now, and what you do now sows the seeds for whatever goals you have - BUT if you realize you are complete those goals are playful hopes and not desperate needs, no longer do you think that once you accomplish this goal or that goal will you feel truly fulfilled. YOU NEVER WILL if you don't NOW.

Anyways, onto The Life of Piwhich has me really excited to go to the zoo! It is the story of Pi, a young Indian kid who is a christian, muslim, and hindu, who in the process of moving from India to Canada with his family becomes trapped on a boat with a huge tiger. There's enough knowledge of animals and their habits and a fascinating argument for why zoos are actually good for animals, which I don't wholly buy esp. when you consider apes or other animals capable of complex thought and memory storage. It is a book about faith, and about the story you tell yourself about your life. God is framed as a story people tell themselves, there is no argument about whether it is true or not, but which story do you prefer, the one where you are alone and possibly meaningless or the one where there is an all-powerful deity watching over you? I believe in god as an expression of the limitless not as a person watching us and rooting for us, but this book is a great piece of fiction and also seems to have a Jungian undercurrent. The book also pounds home the idea that people can get used to anything, as Pi did in his fight for survival. Definitely worth checking out.

I am currently reading The Autumn of the Patriarchwhich is simply amazing. Marquez doles out languid sentence after languid sentence, sentences stretch out for pages as he recounts the story of this dictator who becomes a symbol of all the greatness and awfulness within man. It is beautiful and horrifying and possibly one of the best books I have ever read.

I am currently saving money for a trip to either Sydney or South America. I don't speak Spanish yet so we shall see. I'm listening to Feist - Reminder, who reminds us how tremendously talented Broken Social Scene is. I'm working out and enjoying life while I toy with a friend's concept for a novel. Much love.

The Heist

The other night I watched another Derren Brown program, this one called The Heist. In it he offers a motivational seminar to middle managers. The true purpose of the seminar is to lay the groundwork for turning these normal people into criminals. His use of language and color is brilliant. Instead of saying "What I want you to get out of this experience.. " he says "What I want you to take away from this," or even "steal from this." Green is all over the place, and clearly is the color of money. Derren Brown is a genius. Everything I've read about NLP on paper seemed too good to be true, or just totally sterile. In his hands it seems possible to do anything.

I'm very excited to start using these tools myself. I've created three anchors, one for clearing my head, one for motivation, and one for calming myself. I hope to develop these and possibly introduce musical attachments to them. An anchor is essentially a physical movement which you connect to an experience you have had. If for example, you wished to create an anchor for calmness, you would have to first remember a time when you felt completely calm and re-experience that time, imagining the colors, sounds, and smells you were surrounded by and as you feel completely calm, touch your thumb to your index finger and thereby create an anchor.

Now when you use this initially you will need to think of the experience, but as it is used more often it will become tied to the physical motion itself.

Back to the Heist. After 3 weeks, from a pool of 16 people, Derren selects four, and then has them meet him at a location in London which has been cordoned off by the police where the four people will each individually walk to meet him and pass by a security guard who is carrying two cases of 50,000 pounds each. Three of the four people rob him. Three weeks is always cited as the time it takes to build a habit, or break one, so I do not think this is a coincidence. If people can be manipulated in such a way, it is important to beware of the anchors surrounding us. Advertising uses anchoring prolifically. Instead of being manipulated to feel insecure, or unhappy, manipulate yourself to accomplish your goals.

I am currently reading Introducing NLP by Joseph O'Connor. It is well-written and easy to understand.

Contemplating my tattoo

After skydiving and realizing and truly understanding the importance of death in my everyday life I have been interested in finding a constant reminder of my mortality. Not because I forget and nearly get killed, but because I forget and sit around accomplishing very little of what I wish to accomplish.

At some point I stumbled upon Kali as a possibility. She is a Hindu goddess who's name means black time, or she who devours time. After asking around, someone mentioned that I ought to read Tantric Quest. The book is phenomenal and the beliefs within it are powerful and perfect for our time. When I get around to it as I have been meaning to I will write a complete review. In Shivaic Tantricism Kali is the goddess of everything, she is the mahadeva. She is symbolic of time, death, and the consuming aspects of reality (thanks wikipedia), but sometimes she is a symbol of triumph over death.

I plan on getting the sanskrit काली tattooed to my shoulder soon after my birthday. It may end up being something I regret but the subject of the tattoo will always be important to me.

Are you sure those ideas in your head are yours?

This is Derren Brown and if he can single-handedly trick this normal looking man into believing what he really wanted was a BMX bike then what does that say about the power of suggestion? What ideas and beliefs do you have about what you want to accomplish? Where do they come from?

I'm not saying everything you want is one big mind-fuck. I'm saying you should think about it. I want to experience life in a state of awareness. I do my best to be aware of what I am doing and what I am thinking. I see people pursuing goals blindly without any motives. Achieving goals is important, but I sincerely doubt that advertising or any other form of brainwashing wants anyone to feel a sense of achievement for too long.

After learning about NLP I always thought the physical anchoring aspect seemed a bit obvious but with some showmanship and the proper situation it seems very easy to integrate. Derren Brown anchors the man's feelings of positivity to Derren tapping his shoulder which he does repeatedly, amping up his state over and over. I'm sure there are more qualified people to analyze this trick but seeing a master at work is inspiring.

What do want and why? What will it feel like to achieve such a goal? When will you feel a sense of accomplishment? How achievable is it?

Remaining calm in a sea of anxiety

All around me there are people freaking out creating hysterics over nothing. I work at a pretty slow pizzeria, and there's a cook who routinely complains about having to cut onions, saying insane shit like " this isn't an onion farm."

When one thing goes wrong or people need to push themselves they panic. I can't get this done, I'm so fucked. There is no way this is going to work. When really, if they just took that energy and put it into their project they would be WAY more successful. There really is nothing gained by thinking negatively, it just gets your head out of the game and leaves you focusing upon your weaknesses instead of your strengths. Failure has such a sting to it, but really all that is is your ego. If I believe that I am a good basketball player, and then miss a key shot I am left with a conflict between my identity and my surroundings.

This can be remedied by reframing the way you view yourself. I am a person who does my best and learn from my mistakes without dwelling on them. I haven't reached where I want to be but I know that and I am always taking steps to reach the goals I have.

Remembering old lessons

I remember every year of college, right around finals time I would realize how much more productive I became in every aspect. My stress levels usually were even lower than during the middle of the semester since I was actually getting shit done. I graduated in December and since then I've been working only 33 hours a week. I haven't been really productive. Some days the only thing I do is hit the gym which is dismal. After reading Tyler's post last night I re-remembered this aspect of me. When I have time to kill I kill it, but when my time to myself is limited I value it and make better use of it.

Today, I worked eleven hours, had a great conversation with my friend, wrote this, goofed around in the morning with my girl, and maintained all other aspects of my life. I am going to start working 8 extra hours a week for my friend and hopefully that will kick me into appreciating and managing my time properly. If not, in a week I can add catering to my work and then really be kicking ass. I want to find the right balance, where I value and have enough free time to be productive but not so little that I'm not able to fully apply my momentum. If I'm going to work for myself I need to view my free time as time where I need to obey that voice in my head saying, get stronger, get faster, get smarter, integrate yourself more fully, get amazing ninja!

After seeing that I may be able to make some extra money I realized how heavily my increasing money loss had weighed on me. I feel so good knowing that I will be able to start to add money to my bank account and really start saving to travel or move. It had me really depressed, I mean the plan was to work at this pizzeria and make enough to save and travel when I was done. I'm 1k in the hole so far, but heating this winter and random bills helped bring on the money loss. I also began paying more of my own bills. Enough narcissism. Night, I'm going to read and get ready for another rock star day.

Progress Review

April was a bust in terms of writing daily. I need to stop looking at writing as something I should be doing and just do it every morning or every night, whichever is most convenient. It also was not a great month financially. I am down again in money but I should begin catering / working for Mick to generate more money. However, I have realized that I've been unhappy with aspects of my life and I need to change my attitude and start really pursuing what I want out of life. I have a more holistic understanding of my direction and hopefully the tools to pursue it.

About a week back I posted about Planet Earth and how depressing our ecological destruction is. Our world is changing rapidly and it will never be the same. Nothing stands still everything is growing or being destroyed. Again Tyler has a more optimistic take on it. He sees the ever-changing world as being an aspect which forces people to stay mentally flexible and avoid dogma. With everything changing there is no way you can allow yourself to get stagnated. Stagnate your beliefs and in a week nothing you believed is accurate. There are the immutable laws of the self but really it becomes clear in a tumultuous world how many factors are influencing identity. Who would you be if you didn't live in the US? What kind of life would you have?

I just checked his blog again and he's got pictures up of Hawaii. I fucking envy this dude. Rock on Tyler. 15 hour days 5 days a week and 8 hour days on the weekends where he still spends 6 hours outside. I gotta throw out the tv. Later.

The interconnectedness of people and modern society

After rewatching the beginning of Baraka and recalling the key theme of humans as creatures who are univided from eachother I began to consider how to apply this belief in our society. If each person is connected to everyone around them then how should that impact our actions especially in a society where this belief is so foreign. I always hear people say become the change you envision in the world so I suppose the first step is to acknowledge my own unity with all of the universe and understanding that each person has the capabilities of god within them. I use god as a term for the infinite, not to imply the christian god. Our society is a reflection of protestant beliefs that served us well as settlers in a time when every action had a cost. I think now is a time for greater spontaneity, a time for people to become in touch with all of their desires and to pursue each of them with great passion and cunning.

I am attempting to turn over a new stone and pursue the desires I have with me with consistent effort. I am no longer fixated on progress in one aspect but universal growth. I want to be paid to write, ventually writing novels, to be in excellent shape and eat very healthily, I want to travel, have brilliant, loyal friends, be aware of my connection to everyone I meet, read a book a week, and continue to save money and amass new experiences.

Ripples in a Pond

Recently, I've been watching Planet Earth and listening to Paul Chek's You are What you Eat program. His program reveals a widespread careless attitude toward pesticide use and its impact on human health. Essentially, the FDA doesn't care what you eat. Pesticides are tested by the same companies which make them and our shitty farming methods destroy the nutrients in the soil which destroys our vegetables, which we then feed to animals, which we then trap in houses and later slaughter and eat. His program runs the gamut and by the end I was ready to quit eating altogether. I would become a breatharian but even the air is too polluted to consume. So between that and the conservation issues facing us I was beginning to feel very overwhelmed.

As far as Jungian typology goes Intuition is likely my second function, and sometimes I get caught up in trying to solve everything all at once. So I was sitting at work trying to figure out a way to make money since I have spent over a thousand dollars of savings in the last 4 months, how to find a job that was something I believed in and was going to save the world, and how to save the world. Of course I quickly became demoralized. I sat thinking how poorly everything has become and how not only are we poisoning the world around us but also ourselves. I do not think it will be easy to change how things are heading, but I realized that being fatalistic about it accomplished nothing.

Awhile back I was in a dark place and in correspondence with my Aunt. She sent me a letter that her friend had given her. It's a short little letter about how your small impact on people ripples out and creates greater and greater change in the world. Even at the job I hate, I have had an impact upon people's beliefs, especially regarding nutrition. One worker, from New Jersey, after talking with me swore he would feed his kids all organic food. He also switched from coffee to green tea and started to take fish oil to supplement his omega-3 intake. He went on to rave about it to his friends and some of them started taking omega-3s as well.

I do have an impact, and as I develop my ability to write I can increase that impact exponentially. Although I have spent money and stayed in physically the same place I am developing skills and knowledge, which I can easily turn into money. A bank balance doesn't tell much of a story, but as my skills progress and situations reveal themselves to me I am confident that I will be able to capitalize. I have overspent, but I have also developed a great deal of self motivation, and self-discipline. I have finished 3 exercise programs and I am mid-way through a 4th. I am now writing and in the process of realizing my potential. After reading more from Steve Pavlina, his essay on The Courage to Live Consciously, I realize that I do not have to immediately abandon my job and become wholly congruent with the new identity I am sculpting. I can gradually develop in new ways and fully change when the opportunity presents itself. That job serves its purpose and is bearable so long as I do not believe it is holding me back. When my skills are developed and the time is right I will leave. The only thing holding myself back is me. I need to constantly challenge myself, I need to read more, write more, exercise more, and express myself honestly more. In the words of Bruce Lee, "To express oneself honestly... that is very hard to do."

Planet Earth

Planet Earth is a BBC production that is exquisitely beautiful and tragic. In a series of eleven or so episodes their crew attempts to capture what is majestic about the land we live in but rarely see. Watching these episodes gets me very motivated to amass money and travel before every single one of these amazing habitats is destroyed or altered permanently. Even as a child I was obsessed with endangered animals, I had one of those wildlife notebooks where they send you new cards each month about more animals which will possibly disappear. Come to think of it, it really is a rather morbid fascination for a child to have, but at the time I was really only interested in the animals, the possibility that they would eventually disappear seemed distant and unlikely as most things seemed to me as a child.

Some of the scientists are clearly in love with these animals, as are some of the cameramen. Somehow some of the crew is uncaring or extremely detached when it comes to some of the animals chances of survival. There's a clip during one of the episodes concerning conservation where a man talks about how interesting it will be to see whether the polar bear evolves in the next 50 years in order to adapt to the total disappearance of its habitat, the polar ice cap. Interesting is such a banal word anyways, but the scientist says it with a lot of fascination, and almost pleasure. "Wow, they still survived after we fucked up the whole planet they are now in Canada and eating people. Interesting." There's a total emotional disconnect in some of these people, but I guess that is because of what they are dealing with on an everyday basis. If I told most people ( at least those who haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth) that the polar bear would be extinct in 50 years they would probably be shocked. On the other hand, for these biologists it is rudimentary.


The primal energy that these animals exude is awe-inspiring. It seems almost impossible to look at the world in such a way and not immediately become concerned with our impact upon it. So now I'm sitting here wondering what can anyone do about it? Are thousands of beautiful, amazing creatures going to have the life sucked out of them for rich white men who want to get the last drop out of their oil fields, not to mention poor non-white men attempting to quickly industrialize in order to compete in a global economy and being blamed for desecrating the wilderness simply because the whites already did their part in the destruction about 200 years ago?

Rolling the Dice

Last Sunday I went to see Henry Rollins, Janeane Garafalo, and Marc Marin at Gramercy Theatre. Marc Marin was hilarious, and Rollins and Garafalo were very passionate politically - something I turned away from after high school. Rollins is an inspiration in more ways than one. He is very present and angry. He is in great shape, and he lives a life which I envy. In one interview: "he recalls something David Lee Roth had said, and he paraphrases, “you sometimes get shit from the guys at the watering hole who say, ‘it must be nice’ referring to your lifestyle. And [Roth] says, hey, we all started off as seniors in high school. You went for your dad’s bank job. I went for art. You took the easy road. I rolled the dice. Don’t be mad at me.”

Do I want a bank job? Sometimes I feel like I am who I am in reaction to the life my father lived. My dad was a musician and rarely held a job or had much discipline. He was extremely talented but squandered his money and talent on drugs. I need to roll the dice. I need to write and travel. I realize how so much of what I do conforms to society's expectations for me.

The beautiful thing about the performers at Gramercy and later at Vassar is that they are all unapologetically authentic. Shingai Shoniwa, the lead singer of the Noisettes, ran from one side of the stage to another, looking very much like the actress she once aspired to be at one moment and the psychedelic rocker she is the next. Jumping from speaker stacks and fluttering her eyes at the crowd a second later. Her hair is pushed forward, and she wears what looks like a torn and tattered ballerina outfit. Her whole look says fuck what you expect. Her theatrical antics complement the shyness of Dan Smith, the guitarist, who stands there shyly contemplating his next guitar solo, while Jamie Morrison's be-afro'd hair thrusts from one side of his drum set to the other, oscillating violently to the beats he pumps out with great precision. The Noisettes were so happy to be opening their last set for TV on the Radio and I wish them great success. Their juxtaposition of smooth relaxing melodies and harsh guitar riffs clearly shows that they will not go gently into the night.

That is what an artist is, someone who lives so vibrantly that they inspire others to do so as well. TV on the Radio had the floor bending and was amazing.

Anyways, from Shingai to Tunde Adebimpe (vocalist for TV on the Radio) everyone on stage served to remind me to stop conforming or even thinking about it, and to start pouring my soul into something I believe in.

Life Purpose

This is actually an exercise I did about a month ago, but I thought it would be interesting to post. Steve Pavlina is the same guy who graduated college in minimal time, and he has a 20 minute exercise for identifying your life purpose.

Here it goes:

1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).

2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”

3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.

4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.

What is my true purpose in life?

1. To live a rich life.

2. To write.

3. To experience beauty.

4. To become the man my father was not.

5. To do the best to expand the minds of others.

6. To live a life which inspires those who doubt themselves.

7. To fill the world with endless light.

8. To live without fear, expressing my beliefs and capturing my experiences in such a way that those who have never met me are touched by my life and irrevocably changed by it.

9. To chase and pursue that which I fear most, deep honest connection, writing, new places, new experiences.

10. To become rich and help the world.

11. To save the world.

12. I have no purpose.

13. To forget the hurt you have experienced.

14. To cause pain and calamity.

15. My true purpose in life is to live as lovingly and caring-ly as possible. To inspire others by my actions and my expressions of my life.

16. My true purpose is to show how life is meant to be lived. To surround myself with people who I am completely honest with, and to deeply touch and be touched by them.

17. To be free of all fear, to become like a child again not of mind but in spirit.

18. To be completely honestly in love with the world around me, and to express that rapture in words.

19. To tell my story to those who need to hear it. To live a life which is a testament to my ability to withstand and blossom even in the hardest conditions. To help those who have been hurt, to show that life is not about you or this moment but about everyone and eternity.

20. To relentlessly pursue my definition of a perfect life. Realizing life is imperfect and passing. Experiencing love, hate, every emotion as deeply as I can and creating novels which capture those emotions.

21. To help those who have gone through what I went through as a child.

22. To raise children the way I wish I was raised.

23. To be completely free, an inspiration to those are not, to be genuine at all times and create heartbreaking honest books. To tell my story.

24. To live my purpose.

25. To live without limitations, exploring as I wish. To touch the lives of everyone I meet deeply. To live with kindness and cruelty.

26. To live without limitations, doing as I wish all from a place of purity. To have my love wrapped in everything that I do. To honestly speak about what happened to me, to realize it has made me who I am.

27. To help Ayman and Aliya.

28. To write like Hubert Selby, fuck like Henry Miller, and party like Basquiat.

29. To stop evading myself.

30. To work as hard as I can to make everyone around me better, including myself.

31. To see the infinite beauty around me and not get caught up with trivial bullshit.

32. To always see how wonderful life is, without resenting those who do not.

33. Forgive people their imperfections.

34. Stop trying to be perfect, let the chips fall where they may, stop plagiarizing.

35. Be courageous. Do what no one believes is possible; live a rich, perfect life. Live my life as a work of art, creating art, loving art, inspiring those who don't – leaving those who don't get it to be. Being free and loving those who hate me.

36. To love without fear.

Big Egos

Tyler over at RSD has a post that is mind blowing. It's all about egos. He breaks down how your ego is the story you tell yourself about who you are. In my case I'm artistic, laid-back, cool, confident, fun, intelligent - and the list goes on. He asks what your story has prevented you from doing. Without finishing my list and looking like a total ego-maniac I can tell you it has held me back in many ways.

The belief that I (or my imaginary construct of myself) is successful has prevented me from trying new things, and challenging myself in a variety of situations. Not dancing, not cutting loose, not being goofy sometimes.

Tyler points out that people are naturally confident and content, and do not need rationalizations, it is our default state when we stop thinking and worrying about nonsense. People get all pissed off because someone is riding their ass while they're driving, and they think why are they doing this to me? Well, they aren't doing it to anyone. They simply are driving very close to you and it has nothing to do with you as a person.

Self-Acceptance and Recalibration

You've got to acknowledge and accept where you are before you can get where you are going. Lately, I've been telling myself that I have to get a career, and get a job, and make money, and so on. But really why do I have to do any of those things? I originally planned to write and travel. Nothing more, nothing less. Somewhere along the way I began to think that I was making a mistake and panicked. I am not saying I will not be pursuing copywriting but I want to do so for the right reasons.

I find that with myself I plan something and then constantly readjust. I wonder whether I am making progress at all, since I could easily be switching between two poles and never really making any headway just changing my approach over and over again.

I want to get to a point where I fully accept myself. Some days I am there, others I am not. I accept that I have not yet pursued writing seriously. I am hoping that this is something akin to a species of bamboo, which grows a complicated root structure for years without growing above the surface and then suddenly, springs up - so quickly that it can be seen growing by the naked eye.

I look around myself and I wonder whether people understand that they are wrapped up in this world of ideas that attempts to sway them this way and that, or whether they even care.

Is Immortality a goal worth achieving?

I'm reading Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins and it focuses upon two people who defy death and live hundreds of years. This sounds a lot like a stoned pseudo-philosophical question you would have at 2 am but, for whatever reason I have had those conversations and I believe life without death is pointless, or worse, very painful and self-satisfying. People often argue that then you could read every book you wanted or some such nonsense. There's also the dull argument that you would have to watch people you care about die.

Really, I think it is only the young who think about living eternally. Before you make a decision the options are overwhelming, but as experience accumulates the direction you which to head in becomes clearer. I hear older people saying they wished they had lived as they wanted to, and savored every day - but never do I hear anyone say that they do not wish to ever die.

The quest for immortality is perennial, but I wonder how often the consume everything argument is used in our consumption driven society. Advertising has made tons of money off of exploiting the fear people have of missing out on something, and naively many people seem to think that by dying they would be guaranteed to miss out on future products, while casually overlooking the fact that they would be passing up a "lifechanging" experience for more of the same filler.

My progress

So far my workout program has definitely improved my strength and overall look, but I am no where near where I want to be physically. I am skinny, but I am not as defined as I used to be. I weigh 160-165 at 6'. My main problem is that my goals oscillate. I tell myself that getting to 175-180 is too much work for someone with my metabolism and that I will not be successful, or that it is unhealthy. Then I look at someone like Allen Iverson and think it would be fine if I kept improving my conditioning and maintained the same weight, which is what I have done since November. I have not maxed out on any exercises but my weights keep going up, I eat a diet consisting of mostly vegetables and fruits, with meat or shakes for protein, and oatmeal with blueberries and bananas in the morning.

My friend recently sent me an article about how cardio work is good for the brain, and I truly believe that most people are unfit because of their sedentary lifestyles. Man evolved in the wild and our bodies are used to taking action throughout the day. I had not been doing cardio at all until last week and I want to shoot for 2-3 sessions a week, of HIIT, or High Intensity Interval Training. Between that and eating a bit more hopefully by the time May rolls around I can be closer to where I wish to be. And where is that? I want to maintain this bodyweight and lose fat while increasing muscle. Everyone says this is the most difficult goal, but so far I have done just that, but without gaining any weight. Last summer I was up to 170-173 before I left for Europe but I was getting heavier and did not like it. I would like to gain 1 lb of muscle each month or 2, but how I can do that is another thing.

I am currently using Chad Waterbury's book Muscle Revolution for my plans. Right now I am starting Hybrid Hypertrophy, which looks to be the most difficult program yet. My digital camera is on the fritz but I will post pictures soon so I can monitor my progress.

Museum of Natural History Planetarium

So.. I've already missed a day, hopefully I can double up today and feel as though I didn't really slack off. Yesterday, we went to the Museum of Natural History which I hadn't been to since I was a child. The planetarium has a presentation on collisions, thoughtfully narrated by Robert Redford. Apparently, there is a theory where the moon was created by an asteroid striking Earth and sending matter into space, which was mostly held onto by our gravitational pull. As the matter collided in orbit, it accumulated and eventually formed a moon. This whole collision is largely responsible for Earth's ability to sustain life, creating our seasons by tipping the Earth's axis and creating tides via the Moon's gravitational pull. The most phenomenal thing is that the moon was created in 30 days. This not only blows my mind, but it makes my development in some areas seem appalling. It is tremendously motivational because if a moon can be created in a mere month, then I ought to be able to accomplish quite a bit each month rather than procrastinating as I have.

We will see if the realization holds.

Goals of this blog and this year

This blog is meant to keep me writing daily.
I will write about films, books, ideas, weight-lifting, and learning copywriting.

I am 23 years old, and I live an hour and a half from NYC. I just graduated college with a degree in art history, and my goals are to:
1: Become a successful copywriter, and be hired at an advertising agency in the city.
2: Gain 20lbs of muscle.
3: Write every day, and eventually write short stories / novels.
4: Enjoy life fully, pursue studying Shivaic Tantricism.
5: Overall serve as an example of how to live life for others, not advising people but inspiring change within them.