I finally did it. We went to the beach and she had an attitude as usual. It is so sad to see her now. Life is very joyless for her, at least around me. I couldn't walk away without a little more certainty. I love her. She treated me awfully, I wasn't perfect but I know I did absolutely everything I could to make it work. After that what can you do?
After she ate she wasn't quite as miserable. We walked for a bit and I kissed her, told her I couldn't keep seeing her and wondering if she was betraying me. I told her it hurt and that if we were going to keep seeing each other and take things slow then we could try that for a bit and see how it went. I said there was a part of me that was very reluctant to offer this and that I couldn't really trust her. As much as anyone else can say she is awful, I know her and I know she loves me. She said she was worried we would always be on eggshells with each other, and after awhile said she would have to think about it.
Here I think I surprised her. I said forget it, the offer is off the table. She didn't understand why things had to be black and white and solved right then. Every time things are gray with her I get fucked. For me, if things were reversed and I cheated on her I would be doing everything I could to make it right, if I thought I treated her like shit I would be doing everything to fix it.
I can't fix her. I drove her home and we argued a bit. She said she was 94% sure that she was making a huge mistake by letting me go. Maybe she was doing the right thing for everyone but herself. I want to give her credit for that. I shouldn't. Love isn't giving up on trying to treat someone right, it isn't getting your head on straight then seeing if you can do things right - it is doing whatever it takes for someone else. I am proud I didn't say oh take your time think it over, I'll just be miserable. I believe she loves me, it was very sad to hear her say that she wishes more than anything that she could be everything I need. I do too, but I gave her many chances for that.
"in a big, big way
i am really small
i get off my feet
but i'm still distant"
