I get paid a salary at the gallery now. It isn't much but it is a step in the right direction. It shows that a man who is rarely wrong about money believes I am a good bet. At the end of the day he isn't wagering a lot and has very little to lose on me, but the very fact that the owner and director believe in me gives me hope. This is a tremendous opportunity. I could make very real money and I am around people who are virtually self-employed. I am excited and I also feel like I am doing something that I value and bring value to.
Also once I can sell art I can sell anything. I believe I am on the path to making serious money.
Money isn't everything. I have very little material desires, my only true attraction to money is the freedom it will allow me.
Anyways, the girl has re-gone nuts and I need to extricate myself from this situation without hurting myself too much or hurting her unnecessarily. Oddly enough, one of the main reasons I moved here was her but I couldn't take her treating me shitty whenever she was stressed out (which was often). Every month or so we would have a large fight about it, generally because I would be nice to try to keep her happy, which enabled the behavior further, and then eventually would lash out because it became too much. I should have let her handle her problems but from what I have seen she rarely does.
This sucks to say but I don't think I can be with her. After the fight where I tried to break up with her but then settled on a break, we spoke days later and she wanted a month break.. This was not at all what I wanted or needed and I got really freaked out. The one person who I have loved unconditionally wanted a month away from me when I was saying I needed more support and less bullshit.
The time was supposedly for her to change. She made me promise that the break would be one in which we remained faithful to each other. A week passed and I heard she was kissing this dorky guy she knows from work. We fought and I was set on breaking up, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at her sad face while she said she was sorry and walk away. A couple days later we slept together, then again, and I've told her the break is done - we can see whoever we want but unfortunately I know she is seeing him and me and she is worried that I'm not going to be here when she comes to her senses, but deep down she believes that in months we will be together again.
A part of me really wants to believe that. I love her. The reasonable part of me thinks about what us together would look like and that is where the problems arise. She couldn't see her guy friends without me being paranoid since they all live with the dorky kid. How could I really get to a point where I trusted her? Why would this time be any different?
How I see things is that in three months when I'm on my feet (no thanks to her) she could easily show up and want me back, but really what is in it for me? Someone who will back down when I need help most? Someone who cheated on me?
She is supposedly coming to the art opening tomorrow. I will probably end up sleeping with her but I need to stop seeing her. This cannot end well, best case scenario we both keep our hearts cold and aren't fully available to whoever else we see. Other good scenario, at least according to my naive hopeful fantasy self is she decides she wants me, that one is bullshit. Even if that happened, it would not be right. She has betrayed my trust and done nothing to redeem herself. She was sorry but did she really do anything about it?
"Your blood is all around you now but you see nothing at all."
