I've recently gotten into chess. I am improving but am definitely not amazing in any shape or form. I am really impressed with how good many people are on the internet, and I think almost all of my real-life friends beat me often. I don't really like playing my friends, it is almost a lose-lose, even if I win it means that someone is unhappy that they have lost.
I'm using a variety of materials to improve my game, a couple Irving Chernev books, and a Fred Reinfield book on checkmate. I initially started pursuing chess because I felt that I wasn't really exercising myself mentally. Sometimes I catch myself solving chess problems in my head. I also have chessmaster and have gone through the Larry Waitzkin tutorials. Larry Waitzkin is the real life kid from Searching for Bobby Fischer. He really is great about teaching and I love his attitude about the game. He quit competitive chess, things apparently got really crazy for him after the movie came out. He was seventeen and there were girls showing up at chess games having him sign their legs and all sorts of stuff. After a bit, he ended up getting really into buddhism, and came to pursue Tai Chi.
He speaks in a very kind manner, and is by all accounts a very sweet person. Although chess was intended to improve my mental sharpness it has become something that allows me to see my own faults more clearly. I often do not respect my opponents position, sometimes even disregarding moves, playing from a place of contempt and often playing far too impatiently, launching attacks far too soon instead of making quiet moves. Some days I will play and lose over and over, or win and either feel very good or somewhat bad about myself, which is a shame. It is just a game, a beautiful, artful, great game but the ego loves pushing itself into things.
What I have begun to consider is whether the softness and kindness I had as a very sensitive child is attainable today. There is a place for aggression and all of that, but I remember being the kindest sweetest child in the world. I still save animals all the time, and refuse to kill almost all insects - certain times I make exceptions but even then I feel guilty. As a kid I went through some things that definitely made me harder and I know that this tough bullshit isn't me, and is really empty cowardice. I do like teasing and being playful with people but nothing more than that, I am sad to see myself hurting people's feelings or thinking I am better than anyone else. It's all dust in the end, and I really seek to attain a place of compassion. I am not sure exactly how to do so, but I would like someday to be spiritually in a place closer to my youth than the often sarcastic and cruel person I can be today.
