In my first year of college I lived across the river from New Paltz in Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie once had the highest GDP in New York. It also has more recently had the highest murder rate. After IBM downsized majorly the city sort of fell apart. There are parts that are really nice but it isn't exactly somewhere you would want to raise a family. This being the situation rent is cheap and I moved into a nice studio with hardwood floors. I lived a couple blocks away from my good friend. We were probably the only white people in the neighborhood by choice.
My friend Dan lived across the street from a corner store. Due to the convenience we'd often stop by for food. It took the owner awhile to realize that Dan in fact lived there, but as soon as he did the owner said "You know to lock your doors right? Don't walk around outside a lot okay? This is a bad neighborhood." This was a bit shocking because we're fairly certain the business was used to launder money. The owner drove to work in a new Mercedes but the store was almost always empty.
A couple months later I stopped by that store while Dan was finishing a paper. A young thug was buying cigarettes at the counter while I tried to choose between Cheese Doodlez and Cape Cod chips. I hear a loud "What up son?" and turn around to see another man come in pulling out a pistol and saying "Bang bang you dead motherfucker."
Neither the store clerk or the customer react. The young thug says "Nah, dawg I got my vest," and pulls his hoodie up to show that in fact he is wearing a bullet-proof vest. Welcome to the neighborhood.
Most of the area was pretty urban but there were trees scattered through the cityscape. I unfortunately lived near several tall oak trees. At first you might think that would be desirable but you would be terribly mistaken. I'm not sure where the birds came from but they decided that for a couple wonderful weeks they would be my new neighbors. I shared my street with people who had no qualms about putting a car on blocks and taking the wheels, but these new neighbors were a much bigger problem.
My car was parked outside in a small lot for the apartment building. The tree branches hung above every possible parking space. This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for two to three hundred birds living in those trees. The birds were sources of two unpleasant things, noise and shit. Every morning they would wake up at 6 and fight as loud as possible. This went on for two or three days until one morning while I rustled around in my bed attempting and failing to fall back asleep I heard, "Yo you bitches need to shut up. I ain't playing no more."
Like a good Irish boy I looked out my window and saw one of my neighbors pull a pistol out and shoot into the air. A couple seconds later a bird fell to the ground. The others grew quiet and I went right back to sleep. The next day they acted as if nothing had happened and I think my neighbor realized his strategy wasn't cost-effective.
Speaking of cost-effective strategies I needed to find one for the bird shit. Everyday I spent ten minutes scraping off my windows so I could safely drive. Initially I thought I could wait them out, but the shit accumulated too quickly. The roof was the worst but somehow they would always manage to hit my door handles and windows. There was a lot a couple blocks away that I could park in and did occasionally but given the neighborhood I thought it was worth the car-washes and extra time spent with an ice-scraper. The first car wash I purchased was wasted quickly, before the day was over I could hardly tell the difference so I started to shop around for the best car wash deal in Poughkeepsie.
I'm not a clean freak or anything but I maintain a certain standard of cleanliness and this battle with the birds became a bit of an obsession for me. I found a car wash on the commercial strip of Poughkeepsie that had an unlimited car wash policy. The idea was that if your car got really dirty the same day they washed it they would wash it again for free. I have no idea who came up with this concept, maybe they thought I would be purchasing snacks every time I washed my car. I'm not sure. The worst part of the car washing was that I knew every guy who had any part of washing my god-forsaken car would be miserable. If it weren't for my defeated expression I would expect them to think I was pulling some sort of prank on them, but I wasn't, this was my life for a couple of special weeks in October.
The first time I went to the perfect car wash place for my needs with its unlimited washes per day guarantee the man washing my car looked at me with a look of horror but managed not to say anything as he struggled to reveal the true color of my car. When I came back that afternoon he was no longer quite as patient. As he saw me drive up he said, "What the fuck? What the fuck is happening to your car? Where are you parking, who is doing this to you?"
He sounded like he was about to lose his mind. I could tell since I was half-way there. "I'm sorry man. It's these birds. They're outside and they won't leave. All they do is shit all day and fight. I can't take it anymore." He nodded and started cleaning my car again. I imagine that morning he had thought, well after this car everything is going to be downhill, no other car is going to be as filthy as this, and in a sense he was right. I doubt anyone else came in with a dirtier car, but he didn't account for the possibility of me coming back that very day. At least he got paid the first time!
Eventually the birds left and allowed me to start sleeping regularly but more importantly I could finally stop getting my car washed 3-4 times a week. I'm really happy that guy shot one of them though.
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