Among the ashes

Well, on the day I was born,
God was sick...
They all know that I'm alive,
that I chew my food...and they don't know
why harsh winds whistle in my poems,
the narrow uneasiness of a coffin,
winds untangled from the sphinx
who holds the desert for routine questioning..

On the day I was born,
God was sick,
gravely.

-César Vallejo

Young men in viking times were sometimes allowed two or three years of ashes. At the time Norwegians lives in long houses similar to Western Native American tribes and their beds were placed along the walls with a fire running down the length of the building. Sometimes young men would lie down between the fire, ash pile, and the beds. Occasionally they would stay there for years. They would do nothing useful but the older viking men accepted this as a sort of ritual lethargy. Our society does not accept this sort of behavior, drop-outs from college are shamed and repeatedly asked when they will figure their lives out.

In the eleventh century there was a Cinder-Biter (their name for these young men), named Starkad who lay in the ashes for years until he was asked by his foster father on an expedition. Starkad stood up, shaved, cleaned himself and went on to become one of the best warriors in the expedition. Later he became a great poet as well. In Nordic mythology Starkad is a man who is cursed and blessed by Odin. For each blessing he receives a curse accompanies it. To me this is a clear metaphor for humanity, we have such a great capacity for good as well as evil. Odin says that Starkad will live the life of three men but that he will commit three evil deeds.

Anyways, back to the ashes. In our culture there is such an emphasis on a Disneyland way of life. Ashes are the substance that remains after life has left an object entirely. Our inner dreams are ashes too. Eventually we all realize that no matter what outlandish luck we have there is simply no way we can do everything that we thought we would love to do. Yes, there is a great beauty to life and out of ashes things often grow but I feel that right now I need to keep in mind the ashes. It is without a doubt for the best that I'm no longer involved with my ex; we were entirely different people with very different values, but at the same time I am trying my best to look at the ashes of my life. Often after something like this I am excited and optimistic about the future frequently replacing whatever dreams I had of a life with her with other fresh new dreams. Without a doubt these broken dreams of ours are something we carry with us.

The idea of ashes makes me think of Hubert Selby Jr. Selby wrote Last Exit to Brooklyn, Requiem for a Dream, and The Room. Each of these books is a terrifying experience. He creates a dark world where there is no light. His intention is that in order for the reader to be able to fully experience his work the light must come from within them. There is nothing to nurture the reader as they read; their nourishment must come from within themselves.

Spend some time with the ashes.