Looking at patterns.

I am about to finish reading a book by Robert Bly about the Human Shadow. I am reading this because I want to learn from my mistakes with Emilie and why I felt that she could change after all of the problems and warnings.

I am worried about going through this again with her. I just read back through some old posts, and this is a short quote from a post I wrote in January about the movie The Wrestler. What scares me is that if I replace Randy or my father with Emilie there is a very accurate summation of our relationship. At every turn I hoped that she could change, that she could for once feel like she was enough.

"This fucking movie brought back those moments of feeling betrayed and hurt very vividly. Just as in my life, I watched as Randy fucked up and wished that he could change. I always had this fantasy that one day my father would clean up and we could talk about our days spent playing frisbee or walking through the woods together. That never happened."

Of course she and I didn't play much frisbee or walk through the woods often but we had our moments like everyone does. I miss parts of our relationship but I don't miss the fear of her getting drunk and doing something stupid. I don't miss wondering where she is, or why she won't returns my texts. I am hoping that by exploring more of my shadow that I will be able to avoid this kind of projection. Emilie isn't a bad person but she is misguided and toxic to me. I feel as though I suffered from a bit of a Pygmalion complex and tried to make her into more than she was. I am a really sensitive, caring person but I think in day to day life I do not allow that part of my personality to show. This denial drew me to a relationship where I needed to take care of someone else instead of caring about them.

I am so furious that I blinded myself and gave her second chance after second chance. Every time the story is the same. She was drunk and didn't realize the guy liked her.. I have to thank my friend for pointing out that it is most likely not the case that Emilie doesn't love me or care about me but more that because she does such awful things she hates herself and is looking for reassurance from another outside male source.

One point that Bly makes in A Little Book on the Human Shadow is that express/deny is a very narrow means of coping with our unconscious urges. To simply express my hatred and hurt at being betrayed isn't going to do any good. I would and have momentarily given into it and been swept up in the current of emotion while completely losing sight of myself, and usually feel much more exhausted after. He uses the example of monks who will meditate on anger for hours and emerge with a choice about whether to express that anger and how to do so. A cutting remark can be infinitely more effective than letting loose in a moment of rage.

Bly recommends to keep a very close eye upon the people and habits that you hate, generally this is a warning sign that they are qualities which we repress within ourselves. I need to stop repressing my urge to be creative. I am hoping to take some time and create a list of all of the qualities I deny within myself.

What I have been thankful for is the people who have listened and helped me through this painful process. I also try to keep in mind people like Jeff Buckley who were tremendously talented, beautiful and still were treated like shit by people they loved. Hopefully for now on I can suss out those relationships and avoid them completely.