If Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote about my eating habits

This thin hairy man would enter into a restaurant without warning and calmly but carefully select his meal, he would politely order it and focus upon a book for a couple moments before his food arrived. Everything appeared to be completely ordinary and under control, but then his meal would arrive.

With a focus and ravenous appetite he would shovel forkful after forkful of food into his mouth, hardly stopping to breathe or swallow, and usually would be finishing his dinner in the time most people wash their teeth and floss. The well mannered mothers in the room would be shocked and tell their husbands that that was exactly why they had to make sure their child learned some decent table manners. He would not be allowed to eat so haphazardly with food falling off of his plate, sauce and oil staining his shirt and the creases of his mouth, no their children would be raised properly.

These people would think I wonder if he has eaten in days, he is rather skinny, maybe there is a reason for his speed. Maybe he was raised by wolves. On the other hand the children watching would be thrilled, day-dreaming of a point in their lives when they could eat however they wanted without any nonsense. No eating and pretending to enjoy it, no calmly savoring your food, no instead you could eat it like you meant it, filling your mouth as fast as you wanted without any care for these silly pointless manners. After all our pets don't eat slowly and calmly, even a nasty can of ground up meat excites them.

There is a skill to how he eats, a certain methodical approach that is relentless. Not once does he slow down. He mows through the appetizer, waits patiently for his entree and demolishes that with the calm of a gunslinger, and just as suddenly as it began he pays the check and leaves, perhaps taking a piece of baklava to go.

The parents relax, no more do they have to worry about this wild man ruining their childrens' manners. The children are a bit disappointed but firmly tell themselves that they will someday eat like him, that someday they can do whatever they want and not worry about what adults say you're supposed to do, or what is good for you.