Her eyes watered as she thought about what was lost forever. She pushed her hair out of her face and resolved to never think again about what had changed. This was her new life sans Robert. She would not think twice about how it was her fault or how she had lied. She made her decision and unlike so many others would not allow herself to feel a pang of regret.
She sobbed into her pillowcase and pushed thoughts of sharing a home and dog with him out of her mind. She thought maybe now he could do something with his life instead of just wasting it on me. He has so much potential. She thought about him and how she had always felt like charity around him. He could be stubborn and standoffish but he was the most dedicated lover she had ever had. No one had made her feel quite like he did but for some untold reason she betrayed him. The sex had died off, and she felt dull next to him. Never feeling like she was the beautiful one in the relationship had its consequences. He had large lips, a dimpled chin, and guarded eyes. So much of her day to day life was spent in pursuit of beauty. Her life and hope was sacrificed to the fickle god of appearances. Hours spent in front of the mirror complaining about her nose or stomach were forever lost.
She couldn't quite put her finger on it but there was something about this man that was different. He accepted so much of her and would give anything he could, yet she felt uneasy about him. She didn't want to be made into anything or pushed into growing into a person someone else saw within her. Drinking and comedy was enough. She would tell herself how ugly she was, but this was likely an accumulation of guilt. Never feeling right about herself had taken its toll. Relationships overlapped easily and names were mixed-up. Running is a full-time job but her life had been a series of trials that had her well-prepared.
Alcohol was her ace in the hole. If new shoes, new men, and new TV shows couldn't drown out her pain she turned to margaritas, cranberry vodkas, and Irish whiskey. She would wake up in the morning with missed calls and a snoring half-naked stranger next to her. Quickly she would take aspirin and then wrap herself longingly in her newest detour. Its hard to say whether she ever was capable of loving someone else. Beneath whatever infatuation grew there was always a lingering suspicion of other people and their intentions. She would think how it would be impossible for someone like him to love her.
Life went on as it always did. There was an emptiness in the space around her but nothing oppressive. It was more of a fog than a wall, and given the right combination of male attention and alcohol she could wade through this troublesome condensation without paying it any heed. It came in fits, some mornings she wondered what her life would have been like with the other man but most days there was no time to think. Waking up late and hungover she would jump into the shower, criticize her body and admire her breasts, and get dressed as gorgeous as she possibly could. Day after day was a ritual of body worship without much attention paid to actually maintaining health or spirit. If her butt sagged a bit she would do squats for a couple days, and if her stomach seemed larger she skipped food and only drank.
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