I'm sure there are a million people writing down their resolutions out there, but I'm no better so here goes:
Continue to meditate in the morning for 15 minutes
Continue to write regularly
Do great in school - 3.8-4.0
Continue Yoga and exercise and improve my nutrition and physical shape
See an orchestra perform in the bowl
Read a novel by Tolstoy and Dostoevsky
These goals were mentioned much early than the new year, but I am reiterating them for myself.
Anyways hope everyone got off to a great start this year. Good luck.
Jan 1, 2009
Dec 28, 2008
The Wrestler
Last night I went to see the new Darren Aronofsky movie, The Wrestler. It is supposedly Mickey Rourke's comeback film. He plays a washed-up wrestler twenty years past his peak, long after alienating his wife and daughter, and long after really believing he could succeed. He has hardly any money and spends most of it getting ready for his weekend fights; these backyard wrestling matches are the only bright part of his life aside from a somewhat unbelievable connection with a stripper.
He spray tans, bleaches his long hair, and uses steroids to stay in fighting shape. I didn't think much about why I wanted to see the film and about half-way into it I wished I hadn't gone. Randy "The Ram" Robinson is a character out of my own life. His troubled relationship with his daughter very closely paralleled my relationship with my father. My father was tremendously charming when he wanted to be and the deli scene quickly reminded my of him. After finding out Randy shouldn't fight anymore he briefly attempts to straighten out and works briefly at a deli counter. He banters and is doing his best to make a job he isn't fit for enjoyable.
My father would every couple troubled years try to work and act happy. The only place he really was happy was playing with my sister and I, or probably getting high. In the film Randy easily gets along with the kids but he knows there isn't much depth to his relationships. He does his best to guide younger wrestlers and to cheer up the downtrodden Pam, who is played by Marisa Tomei.
I don't really know what the end of my father's life was like, but I can imagine that he was playing out that same pattern of trying to accept being less than what he was and then relapsing into drugs. He occasionally reached out to Emma or I but he always fucked things up. He'd leave my little sister at the mall or forget about her. The film itself is great, and the most impressive development is the humor. The film is dark and a bit depressing, but it has a levity that many of Aronofsky's other films lack. Randy knows he has failed and at times while he is pressed with his morality he laughs and tries to get by as best he can.
The last time I saw my father he had just bleached his hair and came to the pharmacy I worked in. I am sure he had done his best to look presentable. I turned the corner and there was my father, in his early fifties with bleached hair and doing his best to appear young. Despite all the years of heroin use he looked younger than his age. We had a brief conversation and I couldn't help but say I love you in reply to him. A couple minutes later I realized that again he was managing to sneak his way back into my life and I lashed out at him. I told him not to come back again.
This fucking movie brought back those moments of feeling betrayed and hurt very vividly. Just as in my life, I watched as Randy fucked up and wished that he could change. I always had this fantasy that one day my father would clean up and we could talk about our days spent playing frisbee or walking through the woods together. That never happened.
He spray tans, bleaches his long hair, and uses steroids to stay in fighting shape. I didn't think much about why I wanted to see the film and about half-way into it I wished I hadn't gone. Randy "The Ram" Robinson is a character out of my own life. His troubled relationship with his daughter very closely paralleled my relationship with my father. My father was tremendously charming when he wanted to be and the deli scene quickly reminded my of him. After finding out Randy shouldn't fight anymore he briefly attempts to straighten out and works briefly at a deli counter. He banters and is doing his best to make a job he isn't fit for enjoyable.
My father would every couple troubled years try to work and act happy. The only place he really was happy was playing with my sister and I, or probably getting high. In the film Randy easily gets along with the kids but he knows there isn't much depth to his relationships. He does his best to guide younger wrestlers and to cheer up the downtrodden Pam, who is played by Marisa Tomei.
I don't really know what the end of my father's life was like, but I can imagine that he was playing out that same pattern of trying to accept being less than what he was and then relapsing into drugs. He occasionally reached out to Emma or I but he always fucked things up. He'd leave my little sister at the mall or forget about her. The film itself is great, and the most impressive development is the humor. The film is dark and a bit depressing, but it has a levity that many of Aronofsky's other films lack. Randy knows he has failed and at times while he is pressed with his morality he laughs and tries to get by as best he can.
The last time I saw my father he had just bleached his hair and came to the pharmacy I worked in. I am sure he had done his best to look presentable. I turned the corner and there was my father, in his early fifties with bleached hair and doing his best to appear young. Despite all the years of heroin use he looked younger than his age. We had a brief conversation and I couldn't help but say I love you in reply to him. A couple minutes later I realized that again he was managing to sneak his way back into my life and I lashed out at him. I told him not to come back again.
This fucking movie brought back those moments of feeling betrayed and hurt very vividly. Just as in my life, I watched as Randy fucked up and wished that he could change. I always had this fantasy that one day my father would clean up and we could talk about our days spent playing frisbee or walking through the woods together. That never happened.
Dec 25, 2008
Danny Boyle and the difference between growing as an artist and responding to criticism
Danny Boyle on destiny:
When I first saw Slumdog Millionaire I was enthralled. The movie is phenomenal and the most amazing aspect of it is that the direction is very clearly Danny Boyle's. Often when a popular director makes a "serious" film suddenly they discard whatever unique style they had cultivated - perhaps with the intention of putting the story first, or finally making a serious film.
Overwhelmingly critics view Slumdog as a strong film but it is also a movie that normal people really enjoy. Through flashbacks it tells the story of a young Indian boy's life and how he came to be one question away from winning a million dollars, or however many rupees that is. It is sentimental but not cloying and frenetic but not confusing.
I do not know how every single film of Danny Boyle's has been received but I do know that with a distinctive style like his, there have been many people who have hated what he has done. He is a well-known director and very successful - the majority of people enjoy what he does but it would have been easy for him to be distracted from what he saw as his path by all of these people saying how this film is shallow or it is too much - too over the top, but really what is great about Slumdog is that he seamlessly combines everything that he has done in his previous films but only better!
Most of Danny Boyle's recent films have received fantastic reviews, but two of his earlier movies post-trainspotting were thrashed, The Beach and A Life Less Ordinary. Watching either of those movies however, you wouldn't be shocked that Danny Boyle had directed them.
I am getting at the fact that as an artist it is necessary to experiment and do many things. In the art world if someone buys a late work by a successful artist they are paying a very high premium, the argument is that their later paintings are informed by every painting before them - so the buyer isn't simply paying for that piece but every failed painting that it took to create it. There is of course a balance, and if you are failing over and over chances are you need to make some adjustments - but that does not mean you should stop exploring.
So what is good for an artist is not always going to make their fans happy. Kanye West's most recent album is not his best received. I personally don't even like it, but I think having the fearlessness to try something completely new (even if he is insane 90% of the time) is going to take him farther than sticking to what has worked in the past. Fans and the market will outgrow and forget about a musician or a writer or an artist in a heartbeat. So while someone like Lil' Wayne can put out a mixtape featuring mostly him on a vocoder and disappoint most of his fans, if he were to stop pushing his own limits he could just as easily be forgotten.
Lil' Wayne is a good example here because he usually puts out a ton of mixtapes in between albums. He is working his ass off and trying a dozen different things, but in the end for his albums he gets it together and delivers a more polished and less extreme product. He is always completely outrageous, and he has honed his image to that.
I am sure many a nascent artist has been led astray by the well-intentioned criticisms of others. Sometimes in the moment actions seem bizarre and new hobbies appear to be random indulgences, but often in retrospect these experiences take on a new meaning. Suddenly the weird infatuation has clearly contributed to a huge success. The difference between giving in to these criticisms and staying the course is self-belief. This is key quality and one that I hope to cultivate.
When I first saw Slumdog Millionaire I was enthralled. The movie is phenomenal and the most amazing aspect of it is that the direction is very clearly Danny Boyle's. Often when a popular director makes a "serious" film suddenly they discard whatever unique style they had cultivated - perhaps with the intention of putting the story first, or finally making a serious film.
Overwhelmingly critics view Slumdog as a strong film but it is also a movie that normal people really enjoy. Through flashbacks it tells the story of a young Indian boy's life and how he came to be one question away from winning a million dollars, or however many rupees that is. It is sentimental but not cloying and frenetic but not confusing.
I do not know how every single film of Danny Boyle's has been received but I do know that with a distinctive style like his, there have been many people who have hated what he has done. He is a well-known director and very successful - the majority of people enjoy what he does but it would have been easy for him to be distracted from what he saw as his path by all of these people saying how this film is shallow or it is too much - too over the top, but really what is great about Slumdog is that he seamlessly combines everything that he has done in his previous films but only better!
Most of Danny Boyle's recent films have received fantastic reviews, but two of his earlier movies post-trainspotting were thrashed, The Beach and A Life Less Ordinary. Watching either of those movies however, you wouldn't be shocked that Danny Boyle had directed them.
I am getting at the fact that as an artist it is necessary to experiment and do many things. In the art world if someone buys a late work by a successful artist they are paying a very high premium, the argument is that their later paintings are informed by every painting before them - so the buyer isn't simply paying for that piece but every failed painting that it took to create it. There is of course a balance, and if you are failing over and over chances are you need to make some adjustments - but that does not mean you should stop exploring.
So what is good for an artist is not always going to make their fans happy. Kanye West's most recent album is not his best received. I personally don't even like it, but I think having the fearlessness to try something completely new (even if he is insane 90% of the time) is going to take him farther than sticking to what has worked in the past. Fans and the market will outgrow and forget about a musician or a writer or an artist in a heartbeat. So while someone like Lil' Wayne can put out a mixtape featuring mostly him on a vocoder and disappoint most of his fans, if he were to stop pushing his own limits he could just as easily be forgotten.
Lil' Wayne is a good example here because he usually puts out a ton of mixtapes in between albums. He is working his ass off and trying a dozen different things, but in the end for his albums he gets it together and delivers a more polished and less extreme product. He is always completely outrageous, and he has honed his image to that.
I am sure many a nascent artist has been led astray by the well-intentioned criticisms of others. Sometimes in the moment actions seem bizarre and new hobbies appear to be random indulgences, but often in retrospect these experiences take on a new meaning. Suddenly the weird infatuation has clearly contributed to a huge success. The difference between giving in to these criticisms and staying the course is self-belief. This is key quality and one that I hope to cultivate.
Dec 23, 2008
After Dark and Haruki Murakami
After Dark is I think the second most recent book by Murakami. Murakami is the most internationally read Japanese author. His novels often deal with dreams, unconscious impulses, cats, and a variety of bizarre-ness.
After Dark is a shorter work and a bit more spartan than his typical style. Murakami often has surreal Kafka-esque dream sequences and talking cats in his books. After Dark is a mostly straight-forward story of a girl who enjoys going out late at night and reading her book at Denny's. There is a series of tenuous connections between the book's several different plotlines but really very little happens to the protaganist Eri Asai - the girl who stays up all night long.
I won't recap the entire book but I do recommend either Kafka on the Shore or The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle as good introductions to his style. After finishing After Dark and most of his books I am usually a bit perplexed. Fortunately, I never feel like I missed something but rather that this confusion is part of his process and that I am intended to feel a bit out of sorts.
After Dark is a novel about duality, and alienation. The climax of the novel centers around a violent and random act. I wouldn't say it is the most satisfying book that I have read of his.
His other more recent book is a memoir called "What I Talk about When I Talk about Running." He briefly journals about his overall progress running, but mostly focuses on how running enables him to better write novels and how he came to be an author. He started out as the owner of a jazz bar, and when he heard about a writing contest he wrote and mailed in a novel. Eight months passed and he had almost completely forgotten about it when he received a large package containing the manuscript and the first place award.
He had never really considered himself a writer, but after this he considered whether he had a talent or an obligation to pursue it. At first he would write after closing the bar but after awhile he realized that he simply couldn't really write and keep the bar. He took a chance and sold the bar. His wife would work while he wrote and after a year he sent his second book to publishers. He started running because he was gaining weight from sitting at a desk instead of some sort of more physical work. He views his running as a sort of training for writing. It clears his mind and also keeps him in a habit of constantly exerting himself.
I am aiming to create that same sort of habit within myself, where I cannot help but write daily. I am sure it will always be work but if I can develop the resiliency to continue to write even on the days that I feel very little motivation to I will be happy.
Dec 16, 2008
David Deida blowing my mind
Today on the ride home from work I was listening to some David Deida. He is a modern Tantra teacher essentially. He spoke about the immense power of women and their love. One woman who he had worked with for years was attacked in Central Park. The man had a gun and forced her to the ground. As he was raping her, she kept looking into his eyes but his eyes would not meet her gaze. Finally she put her hand on her face and said It's ok, it's gonna be ok, I love you. I love you."
The man broke down into tears and stopped. He said no one had ever told him in his entire life that they loved him. He said the park was dangerous at night and walked her home to her apartment.
I can't even imagine the amount of presence she had in that moment to give in and to see the pain in his heart instead of fighting or shutting off. As soon as I listened to this story I teared up a bit. Somehow this whole story cut through to what really was happening in both these people's lives and ended in this transformative episode. That man was changed immediately and lastingly from that experience. I am going to do my best to be fully present all day long, and practice bingo to see how i can better serve those around me.
The man broke down into tears and stopped. He said no one had ever told him in his entire life that they loved him. He said the park was dangerous at night and walked her home to her apartment.
I can't even imagine the amount of presence she had in that moment to give in and to see the pain in his heart instead of fighting or shutting off. As soon as I listened to this story I teared up a bit. Somehow this whole story cut through to what really was happening in both these people's lives and ended in this transformative episode. That man was changed immediately and lastingly from that experience. I am going to do my best to be fully present all day long, and practice bingo to see how i can better serve those around me.
Jul 2, 2008
Don't you just love goodbyes?
I finally did it. We went to the beach and she had an attitude as usual. It is so sad to see her now. Life is very joyless for her, at least around me. I couldn't walk away without a little more certainty. I love her. She treated me awfully, I wasn't perfect but I know I did absolutely everything I could to make it work. After that what can you do?
After she ate she wasn't quite as miserable. We walked for a bit and I kissed her, told her I couldn't keep seeing her and wondering if she was betraying me. I told her it hurt and that if we were going to keep seeing each other and take things slow then we could try that for a bit and see how it went. I said there was a part of me that was very reluctant to offer this and that I couldn't really trust her. As much as anyone else can say she is awful, I know her and I know she loves me. She said she was worried we would always be on eggshells with each other, and after awhile said she would have to think about it.
Here I think I surprised her. I said forget it, the offer is off the table. She didn't understand why things had to be black and white and solved right then. Every time things are gray with her I get fucked. For me, if things were reversed and I cheated on her I would be doing everything I could to make it right, if I thought I treated her like shit I would be doing everything to fix it.
I can't fix her. I drove her home and we argued a bit. She said she was 94% sure that she was making a huge mistake by letting me go. Maybe she was doing the right thing for everyone but herself. I want to give her credit for that. I shouldn't. Love isn't giving up on trying to treat someone right, it isn't getting your head on straight then seeing if you can do things right - it is doing whatever it takes for someone else. I am proud I didn't say oh take your time think it over, I'll just be miserable. I believe she loves me, it was very sad to hear her say that she wishes more than anything that she could be everything I need. I do too, but I gave her many chances for that.
"in a big, big way
i am really small
i get off my feet
but i'm still distant"
After she ate she wasn't quite as miserable. We walked for a bit and I kissed her, told her I couldn't keep seeing her and wondering if she was betraying me. I told her it hurt and that if we were going to keep seeing each other and take things slow then we could try that for a bit and see how it went. I said there was a part of me that was very reluctant to offer this and that I couldn't really trust her. As much as anyone else can say she is awful, I know her and I know she loves me. She said she was worried we would always be on eggshells with each other, and after awhile said she would have to think about it.
Here I think I surprised her. I said forget it, the offer is off the table. She didn't understand why things had to be black and white and solved right then. Every time things are gray with her I get fucked. For me, if things were reversed and I cheated on her I would be doing everything I could to make it right, if I thought I treated her like shit I would be doing everything to fix it.
I can't fix her. I drove her home and we argued a bit. She said she was 94% sure that she was making a huge mistake by letting me go. Maybe she was doing the right thing for everyone but herself. I want to give her credit for that. I shouldn't. Love isn't giving up on trying to treat someone right, it isn't getting your head on straight then seeing if you can do things right - it is doing whatever it takes for someone else. I am proud I didn't say oh take your time think it over, I'll just be miserable. I believe she loves me, it was very sad to hear her say that she wishes more than anything that she could be everything I need. I do too, but I gave her many chances for that.
"in a big, big way
i am really small
i get off my feet
but i'm still distant"
Jun 27, 2008
"You say 'Hey I never fall' as you're falling down"
I get paid a salary at the gallery now. It isn't much but it is a step in the right direction. It shows that a man who is rarely wrong about money believes I am a good bet. At the end of the day he isn't wagering a lot and has very little to lose on me, but the very fact that the owner and director believe in me gives me hope. This is a tremendous opportunity. I could make very real money and I am around people who are virtually self-employed. I am excited and I also feel like I am doing something that I value and bring value to.
Also once I can sell art I can sell anything. I believe I am on the path to making serious money.
Money isn't everything. I have very little material desires, my only true attraction to money is the freedom it will allow me.
Anyways, the girl has re-gone nuts and I need to extricate myself from this situation without hurting myself too much or hurting her unnecessarily. Oddly enough, one of the main reasons I moved here was her but I couldn't take her treating me shitty whenever she was stressed out (which was often). Every month or so we would have a large fight about it, generally because I would be nice to try to keep her happy, which enabled the behavior further, and then eventually would lash out because it became too much. I should have let her handle her problems but from what I have seen she rarely does.
This sucks to say but I don't think I can be with her. After the fight where I tried to break up with her but then settled on a break, we spoke days later and she wanted a month break.. This was not at all what I wanted or needed and I got really freaked out. The one person who I have loved unconditionally wanted a month away from me when I was saying I needed more support and less bullshit.
The time was supposedly for her to change. She made me promise that the break would be one in which we remained faithful to each other. A week passed and I heard she was kissing this dorky guy she knows from work. We fought and I was set on breaking up, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at her sad face while she said she was sorry and walk away. A couple days later we slept together, then again, and I've told her the break is done - we can see whoever we want but unfortunately I know she is seeing him and me and she is worried that I'm not going to be here when she comes to her senses, but deep down she believes that in months we will be together again.
A part of me really wants to believe that. I love her. The reasonable part of me thinks about what us together would look like and that is where the problems arise. She couldn't see her guy friends without me being paranoid since they all live with the dorky kid. How could I really get to a point where I trusted her? Why would this time be any different?
How I see things is that in three months when I'm on my feet (no thanks to her) she could easily show up and want me back, but really what is in it for me? Someone who will back down when I need help most? Someone who cheated on me?
She is supposedly coming to the art opening tomorrow. I will probably end up sleeping with her but I need to stop seeing her. This cannot end well, best case scenario we both keep our hearts cold and aren't fully available to whoever else we see. Other good scenario, at least according to my naive hopeful fantasy self is she decides she wants me, that one is bullshit. Even if that happened, it would not be right. She has betrayed my trust and done nothing to redeem herself. She was sorry but did she really do anything about it?
"Your blood is all around you now but you see nothing at all."
Also once I can sell art I can sell anything. I believe I am on the path to making serious money.
Money isn't everything. I have very little material desires, my only true attraction to money is the freedom it will allow me.
Anyways, the girl has re-gone nuts and I need to extricate myself from this situation without hurting myself too much or hurting her unnecessarily. Oddly enough, one of the main reasons I moved here was her but I couldn't take her treating me shitty whenever she was stressed out (which was often). Every month or so we would have a large fight about it, generally because I would be nice to try to keep her happy, which enabled the behavior further, and then eventually would lash out because it became too much. I should have let her handle her problems but from what I have seen she rarely does.
This sucks to say but I don't think I can be with her. After the fight where I tried to break up with her but then settled on a break, we spoke days later and she wanted a month break.. This was not at all what I wanted or needed and I got really freaked out. The one person who I have loved unconditionally wanted a month away from me when I was saying I needed more support and less bullshit.
The time was supposedly for her to change. She made me promise that the break would be one in which we remained faithful to each other. A week passed and I heard she was kissing this dorky guy she knows from work. We fought and I was set on breaking up, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't look at her sad face while she said she was sorry and walk away. A couple days later we slept together, then again, and I've told her the break is done - we can see whoever we want but unfortunately I know she is seeing him and me and she is worried that I'm not going to be here when she comes to her senses, but deep down she believes that in months we will be together again.
A part of me really wants to believe that. I love her. The reasonable part of me thinks about what us together would look like and that is where the problems arise. She couldn't see her guy friends without me being paranoid since they all live with the dorky kid. How could I really get to a point where I trusted her? Why would this time be any different?
How I see things is that in three months when I'm on my feet (no thanks to her) she could easily show up and want me back, but really what is in it for me? Someone who will back down when I need help most? Someone who cheated on me?
She is supposedly coming to the art opening tomorrow. I will probably end up sleeping with her but I need to stop seeing her. This cannot end well, best case scenario we both keep our hearts cold and aren't fully available to whoever else we see. Other good scenario, at least according to my naive hopeful fantasy self is she decides she wants me, that one is bullshit. Even if that happened, it would not be right. She has betrayed my trust and done nothing to redeem herself. She was sorry but did she really do anything about it?
"Your blood is all around you now but you see nothing at all."
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